You just have to persevere.
When the night begins to fall
I watch the shadows growing tall
Feeding my insomnia
Like a fly on the wall
I was in a musical rut.
I don’t know the exact date that I became aware, but I do know what event in my life caused it. One day about 6 months ago, I was having trouble playing some Rise Against from my iTunes library. I did some digging and eventually my computer notified me that the entire folder was corrupt. I deleted the songs from my computer and attempted copying the CDs again, but to no avail. Frustrated, I wasn’t sure what to do, other than know that I’d be missing one of my musical staples until I either fixed my computer or bought a new one.
I moved on, listening to everything else that I already owned, but I discovered in no time that I wasn’t satisfied. It’s odd that just one missing artist could do that. Even the other artists would release new albums and I’d quickly snatch them up, but I’d repeatedly find myself bored within a few weeks. It was clear that whatever I owned simply wasn’t going to cut it.
I was trapped in the undertow, and I discovered the only way out was to first go deeper beneath the surface.
I’ve finally figured out my future.
Continued from Pt. 1…
Now it was mid-April of this year, shortly after my birthday. I was sitting in the assistant principal’s office, discussing my most recent observation. I was asked how I felt my teaching had been going recently and I was upfront and honest with him. I fully admitted that I had become complacent with my teaching and that the fire I once had was missing.
I didn’t explain why, but the heart of it was from disagreeing over the school district’s philosophy. I saw many things that didn’t please me and I saw no change in sight. When I needed help, I felt that I didn’t receive it and it caused me to lose motivation to try my hardest.
Another thing that didn’t help was that I had just started my new job with Inside Edge. This didn’t necessarily come from me losing hope with teaching, but rather that I found an opportunity from one of my favorite baseball sites. I ultimately jumped at the chance because it sounded interesting and because it was located in Bloomington. I had been biding my time for years, and I finally saw an opening for baseball that had previously been missing.
I’ve finally figured out my future.
What am I even doing with my life?
It’s a question that I’ve rhetorically asked multiple times on Facebook, often in response to an impressive feat I’ve found while scouring the Internet for entertainment. There’s the teenage girl that looked bored as she thrashed DragonForce’s “Through The Fire And Flames” on guitar. Another instance was finding out the lead singer of punk band The Offspring already has a master’s degree in molecular biology and he’s working on his Ph.D. Though the question was always meant to be humorous, there was always a sliver of truth contained underneath. I’m currently a high school math teacher looking for a new job after my last school decided that I was replaceable. I’ve been looking for new openings while holding a part-time job as an advance scout for Inside Edge, a baseball company that works for ESPN and major league teams. It seems that everything should already be figured out.
But seriously, what am I even doing with my life?
Note: When this blog was first created, I mentioned that its purpose was to follow in the footsteps of my annual “Things I’ve Learned From My (insert year of college) Year At Gustavus,” but would allow me to expand on my thoughts instead of writing a quick musing as was typical in those posts. This one is going to hearken to the roots from years ago, but I’ll still include a little text after each bullet to provide a little more context. Without further ado, here’s my list of Things I’ve Learned From My Honeymoon In Belize.
Many people have already asked me since I returned from my honeymoon about how it went and where we visited. It does get a bit repetitive telling the same story over and over again, so I’m going to provide a summary before I go into the “Things I’ve Learned…” portion.
My name is wrong.
Bryz-Gornia. A name straight out of your bowl of alphabet soup.
I’ve had comments on my last name throughout my entire life. Back in elementary school, I recall my second and fourth grade teacher (she was the same woman) asking me what would happen if I were to marry a woman that also had a hyphenated last name. Would we hyphenate our names together, creating some sort of god-awful conglomeration that would never fit on any government form, personal check, or arcade game high score list? I politely smiled and said no, even though I thought it was a pretty dumb joke.
In middle school, I had an acquaintance that was very immature and loved pranking me. A good example is that he tricked me into visiting a non-nude porn website while we were in the computer lab one day. Very funny, and I’m still not fully sure how that got past the school’s firewall. Anyway, he also was the person that first realized that the second half of my last name sounded very similar to the disease “gonorrhea,” so he started calling me “Bryz-Gonorrhea.” It really bugged me at first, but the amusing fact is that as people have tried calling me the same as I’ve reached my mid-20s, I just laugh at them and call them a hack while telling them the nickname has been around since I was 11.
As the New Year approaches us, resolutions are being put into place. I should exercise more this year. I should eat healthier. I should try to make new friends. Etc. etc. etc. I’ve tried doing resolutions in the past, but they’ve never come to fruition. Like many before me, it lasts about a month or so, and then one day I decide I don’t really feel like carrying through. Then that day turns into a couple days, and before I know it, I’m two weeks behind. Oops.
As for a bucket list, the irony is that they typically contain something that is much more ambitious, and yet I think they’re still easier to achieve. From the movie The Bucket List, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman created a list that involved travelling around the world, and then they gradually crossed off everything from that list. Granted, it helped that Nicholson’s character was a billionaire that funded the entire trip, but they managed to succeed in doing everything that they desired.
Now, there are certainly things that I would love to do sometime in my life. I would like to go skydiving someday. Visiting another continent would be nice (odd that I’ve visited every state in the U.S. but have never left North America). However, I’ve never considered these to be part of a bucket list. I’m only 24 years old, for god’s sake, I think it’s a little early for me to be finding things I must do in my life.
Few succeed from being complacent.
A few weeks ago I was watching the Minnesota Vikings lose yet another game this season. I don’t recall the opponent, but I do remember that I was at my fiancee’s parents’ house, watching the game with her father and brother as she planned on going shopping with her mother.
Occasionally I would text my coworker throughout the game. Most of it was just us ranting about the game, but for reasons forgotten I pulled out this line during our conversation: Few succeed from being complacent. About 20 minutes later, the Vikings went for it on 4th down and failed. I texted her to complain, and she responded with the very line I had said earlier.
I joked that she was just throwing that in my face, making me sound like a hypocrite, but she said that she completely agreed with the musing. We continued watching the game, dropping a text whenever we had pressing thoughts to share, and the Vikings ended up losing as expected.